Why do you always talk about race?

So I follow a great writer who goes by Ally Henny.  If you follow "The W American" facebook page, I often repost her daily insights.  She has a great way of condensing down the massive topic that is race relations in America to a quick but powerful read.  If you don't follow her work and you believe in progress then go find her.

In recent months, my DH has also started a new project: Tattooed With Children.  He, Flava Ray, and his blood brother, The Dred Pirate Benjamin, have been friends for about 9 years and are just able to have conversations that most interracial friendships can't withstand.  They are a great listen but I often find myself arguing with them.  While my husband is willing to talk about race relations, he always seems to pull back on the topic.  That being said, in their last episode: Patterns, DPB mentioned that people had mentioned to him that they FR and DPB spend way too much time identifying people as Black or White.  I saw red and flushed with anger.

Poor Flava Ray has been hearing my thoughts on this one little phrase for hours.  Now, I understand that FR isn't pulling back on race talk.  However, I needed to talk it out and since he is who I have easy access to well he gets the ear full.

My first inquiry/assumption was Who is saying you spend too much time on identifying people?  Are they White?  I ask this for a couple of reasons, Wight (as Ally Henry spells it) people are quick to shut down conversations about race.  If we don't talk about it then it is obviously not a problem.  You can't help to talk about problems ergo if we can avoid the topic of race then race isn't an issue.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Just because it isn't a "problem" for you doesn't mean that it is not a problem or issue that others face.

Flava informed me that the majority of listeners are European.  Dude I went off.  Fucking We Don't have Racism here that is an American problem Europeans!   Once upon a time, a former friend told me all about her English cousins' favorite pastime, Paki Bashing.  In this game, you drive around with a bat and beat the shit out of any Pakistani person you come across.  Maybe 15 years ago, France was closing the immigration route for people from Angola because they were taking French jobs.  Do we need to talk about the Germans?  The final solution?  But of course, Europeans aren't racists.

My second inquiry/assumption: Why are you trying to change anything about your podcast unless you think it needs to change?  Now Flava did set me straight.  They were having a conversation not making changes and conversations are just that.

I saw red for many reasons but the top one is that I'm tired of the conversations being shut down.  I understand that one of the privileges of being Wight is not having to think about race much.  In the United States of America, the standard is White.  Flesh-colored anything means peachy/beige.  Unless you put "Black" or "Ethnic" Google search results for haircuts, skin rashes, and so many other things pull up images of White people.  There isn't any extra effort involved.  White just is.

I am a Mexican woman, married to a Black man, and raising 2 beautiful Blaxican daughters.  When my oldest breaks out in a new skin rash and I want to try to confirm what that rash might be, I have to work to find an image of a rash on darker-toned skin.  I know when buying nude colored pantyhose that the bitches are going to give me beige legs rather than highlight my beautiful brown legs.  I know that unless I tell people my husband is black or they see him with me, people will assume they can talk shit about Black people.

Unless a person of color opens a door to discussion, the standard of White is the standard.  Why make band-aids in darker colors, they will protect the same, right?  We need Hello Kitty and Disney du-jour but a professional person of color needing to cover a wound can just use a highly visible "flesh-colored" bandage.  Maybe I don't want to explain that I got my flu shot or cut myself shaving but shit I have an exclamation mark on me so of course people are going to ask.

Look, dear Wight people, race is not a dead issue.  If the conversation makes you uncomfortable, then ask yourself why you are uncomfortable?  Dig deep.  Dude, I still struggle.  I'm still evolving in my own thought and feelings on the topic.  I catch myself making assumptions and have to stop and go, is that true? is that prejudice?  Did that thought just jump out of my thoughts?  I thought I was better than that.  Guess what I'm not.  I progressing but am far from perfect.  As Ally says, "progress not perfection" is what we are striving for.  Let's talk.  Let's roll in the shit storm and then hug it out.

Running and Reflecting

Trigger Warning: Rape, Rape Culture

I tend to scroll my Facebook feed to give myself a mental break and I'm usually just scrolling looking for interesting news items and good things happening for my friends.  Today as I quickly scrolled past a posting and then backtracked a moment and then burst into tears right at my desk.  I'll post the drawing itself at the bottom of this post so you can see it or avoid it if you think it will trigger you.

Like a said I was crying at my desk and it was 15 minutes until my lunch.  I couldn't help it.  I finally got myself under control and then it was lunch time.  I usually run/walk during my lunch break so I headed out ready to move and the post came back to mind.  I was running and crying and trying to figure out why.

The post/drawing is about rape.  That in and of itself is sad and traumatic.  But the post eludes to babies being raped.  Even now, I'm on the verge of tears.  The hurt, the horrible things that people do to the smallest and most vulnerable.  It makes me feel powerless.  How do you protect babies from the people who are supposed to protect them.

So why was I crying?  Maybe for my girls who I know I can't fully protect and that more than likely at least one of them will have to fight and protect herself from an attempt or deal with the fallout of being raped.  Maybe for the women that are silent even now, maybe silent even more so now because the fallout of telling is more traumatic than the rape/assault itself.  Maybe for myself and my #metoo moments.  I ran and I cried and I fumed.

What can we do?  We women can learn self-defense.  I am supposed to teach my daughters to fight back and dress right and on and on but there isn't a movement to teach people not to rape.  The fault lies in the woman.  She was asking for it.  She didn't protect herself.  What about the ones, the little ones, the disabled ones, that can't talk, defend, fight off?  If you don't/can't say no then free-for-all? 

Are we supposed to reward the men that do the right thing?  Are they being congratulated for being men or do other men look down on them for not finishing the job?  I am reminded of a time I did all the wrong things.  I was at the club alone, I walked out of the club alone, I had flirted with a dude I had zero intention of ever going home with, I'm sure I was dressed in some version of sexy.  All the wrong things and nearly paid for it.  The guy followed me to my car.  I was half a block from the club.  I was on the street in clear view of everyone and he followed me to my car and then I did the exact wrong thing, I opened the car door and all he had to was push me in.  He instead pulled me out of my car.  He saw the fear in my eyes and suddenly let go and left.  I see how close to disaster I was only years and years later.  What if anything does he remember?  Should I congratulate him for not raping me when he had the chance?  Hey dude, you saw me as a human, thank you!  Does he wish he had pushed instead of pulled?  Does he have shame for not finishing equal to my shame in having done all of the wrong things?  Rape . . .