As the mom of Blaxican daughters

 My oldest daughter is into martial arts.  She is good.  She's 11 and regularly the men at her gym complain that she hits too hard.  They joke about how "hard" she is and regularly like to remind the person at the other end of her hits that "she's only 11, image if she was our age!"  

I listen and laugh because well it is funny that they are kinda scared of her.  She is strong.  She is beautiful.  She is just amazing and yes she is only 11.  I listen and I also can't help to think about what her life will be when she is their age.  Will she continue with the martial arts?  If she keeps up her training she really is poised to enter the MMA ring and like be good not just get the crap kicked out of her.

But the possibilities of her MMA career really aren't today's point.  I see my child working hard, hitting hard, learning to speak up and I am 1 part proud and 2 parts extremely aware of how important those skills could be in her life.  Not because of a career but because of life.

She is a girl child who is Black and Mexican.  As I was talking to my husband the other night, I told him, "They joke but she has to be hard."  This 11-year-old child is part of 2 communities that are regularly under attack:  

1/4 of the country wants to deport her (just FYI she is a US citizen)

1/4 of the country wants to kill her for the color of her skin

1/4 of the country wants to abuse/use/sexually assault her because she has a vagina

1/4 of the country is just trying to survive too so fighting the other 3/4 of the country really isn't an option

My baby has to be hard because as much as this momma wants to protect her, I know ultimately she has to walk alone.  Sure I can pull her from MMA but that won't protect her from racism.  Sure I can keep her from facing the gauntlet for her BJJ belts and stripes but I can't stop the looks, leers, and comments about her body.  All I can do is be a soft place to land when she is hurt.  I have to be open to having discussions that break my heart.  I want to protect her but I can't live her life.  She has to be ready for the cruelty of the world.  She is Black and Mexican and has struggles I don't have any experience with but she does have a family that can see all of her wonderfulness.

So yes she leaves bruises.  Yes, she wants to submit all of her opponents.  And finally yes, she has all of my support in doing those things.  Today those skills equal a gold medal in a tournament, tomorrow it could mean saving her life.

Open Letter to Texas Sen Rafael "Ted" Cruz

 Dear Sen Cruz, 

I am writing you today to try and convince you to convict former President Trump.  I know that this will more than likely fall on deaf ears but if I don't try it will haunt me so here goes.

Sen Cruz, I know I am at the bottom of the list as one of your constituents.  I'm not ashamed to say that I voted for Beto instead of you in the last election.  But I voted and therefore I have a voice.  I don't have money or power, but I do have a voice!

I know you are focused on being President.  I know you are hoping to turn those Trump republicans into Cruz supporters but I'm going to be frank with you: it isn't going to happen.  You, Sen Cruz, are not White enough, are not extreme enough, and Trump has previously made fun of your family and you instead of standing up like a Texan licked his boots so you are not strong enough.  Those Trumpist will not back you.  You need to be the counter to people like Sen. Hawley.  A republican who stands on his own feet, on his own morals.

Sen. Cruz, I am a long time critic, I'm not going to deny it.  When you come up for re-election, I will do everything in my power to help whoever is running against you.  I pray that before this session of Congress is over you won't be my Senator but I also recognize that right now you have the power so here I am.

What exactly do I want from you?  A secret vote on to convict on impeachment to liberate everyone to vote their conscience.  Sen Cruz, I honestly believe you have a good moral center.  I'm told time and time again that I'm wrong but sir, I believe in your raising.  I believe that justice is more important than ego.  I believe that deep down you do too but that you are now painted in a corner.  If you publically come out against Trump, you will lose any chance at the Trump crowd and therefore the presidency.  I get it you have dreams and aspirations.  In this country, we believe if you work hard enough, anything you want can be yours.  That is why your dad immigrated, right?  I know that is why my parents left their home country.

Along with a secret vote, I want you to vote to convict Trump.  Do it because it is right.  Do it because it sets a precedent you can use on the Democrats later.  Do it because 5 people died on Jan 6th and they didn't have to die.  People were content to be heard on the mall at the rally.  It was then President Trump who encouraged them to go to Congress and attack.  Sir, please understand I believe in protesting.  It is our right as Americans but attacking public officials conducting the business of America is not protest, it is insurrection.  

As for you and your role, history will condemn you.  People like me will be working to replace you.  But until that time, you are my Senator and therefore I implore you to listen to me.  A secret vote and to vote to convict.  History has its eyes on you.  Choose wisely, your legacy, and the fate of our beloved country rests on your shoulders.

Signed, A Voter from Texas

A New Hope - The Trump Era is almost over

So it is just about 1 month after the 2020 US national election day. It took a few days after election day to finally call it for Biden/Harris. As of today 12/4, the current president, D. Trump, is still filing lawsuits and refusing to concede the election. The headlines since Nov 4th have made me feel everything from dispair, to hope, to joy, to confusing, and to question everything. 

Honestly guys, somedays I haven't been able to tell which way it up. Over all, I feel hopeful. Now this has a couple of parts: 

1 - the election of Biden/Harris 

2 - I've been listening to Obama's new memoir

3 - I've been staying off social media

So I'll start at number 3 and work my way up.

I've been staying off of social media.  So as you can see I haven't written any blog posts in a while.  Along with not blogging, I haven't been posting on Twitter or Facebook, or even Instagram as much.  I have done a pretty good job of cleaning my feed of negative people but of course, well-intentioned people post crap as well and their friends start responding and then I feel dragged in.  As a result, I have simply been stay off of it all.  I've been cross-stitching a lot.  I'm really busy with work too.  Oh, and since I work from home 3 days a week, I'm momming more which also keeps me off the computer.  It has been a good break.  I need to blog more.  I have so many feelings but I also like not being on the computer or tied to my phone.  

I've been listening to Obama's new memoir.  I listen to an audiobook on the way home from work.  I have a 2-hour commute so it is a nice escape while I drive.  I got former Prez Obama's book on it's release date.  It is close to 30 hours so I'm not very far in yet, with only 2 days on the road.  I will say this, listening to his voice is soothing.  Listening to life from his view reminds me of the hope and excitement of his election.  Every since I saw him address the 2004 Democratic Convention, he has had my attention.  At one in the book, since it is audio I'm not sure I would ever find a page to give you, but anyway, he talks about Michelle questioning his motives.  His answer to her had me in tears as I drove.  I was filled with so much hope or maybe the memory of young naive hope.  I got home and I was and still am reenergized to change the world.  I still have time to make a difference.  After four years of feeling defeated and like the bad guys always win, now I'm hopeful for the future.

The first move towards hope was listening to Biden and Harris at their victory speeches.  I looked directly at my husband and said, "The good guys won.  I can't believe it.  The good guys actually won."  Now don't take me to mean that I'm a Biden devote or that I think Harris has all the answers.  I believe there is a lot of work ahead and I pray they are up to the task of building a unified American.  But do hear me on this point, since the election of D. Trump, I've been scared.  I've seen/felt an escalation of explicit racism and harm towards anyone that is not White, Cisgendered, and Heterosexual.  I have written it about it before I am a very privileged person but I am also an oppressed person.  With that in mind, the
last 4 years have felt like the bad guy always wins.  No one has stopped Trump seemingly in any way, not Republican, not Democrat, not military, no one has stood up to him and survived.  It felt horrible.  It felt hopeless.  Even now, I can't believe how close the vote was this election cycle.  But y'all it felt like the good guys won.  It felt like all of the conversations worked and we got enough people out to vote and that vote meant change!  It's good.  It feels good.  Come on January 21, 2021!

Shame on you. No wait, shame on me.

If you haven't heard Michelle Obama's podcast then you need to do that, like now.  It is on Spotify.  Go listen.  It was this week's episode that sparked my blog.  Mrs. Obama and her guest Michele Norris put in words how I've been feeling since the whole COVID/BLM thing started.  I feel disillusioned.  I haven't completely lost faith in humanity but pretty close.  

It has made me feel crazy for months.  The constant contradictions:

• All Lives Matter but refuse to wear a mask
• Mexicans are evil but not you Martha you are okay
• Black people are thugs but not your husband Martha
• Oh, you are one of the good ones
• I don't like Trump's language but it's okay because he is a good Christian
• I know Trump doesn't go to church but he's a good Christian

It makes my head hurt but that isn't really the point here.  1 - Fuck Trump.  2 - Repeat #1

To that actual point, my disillusionment.  Me losing my faith in my fellow man.  Me unfriending family and friends because despite knowing me, they believe "being a good one" is protection.

I don't understand.  How can you know me and my husband and my children and still tell me "All Lives Matter."  How can you hear my stories about dealing with racism, my lived experience, and then tell me racism doesn't exist?  

In all that the honest truth, I'm mad at myself because I didn't see you for who you really are.  I'm mad at myself for believing you are a good person.  I'm mad that when you showed me your ass the first 40 times, I turned away and still believed in you.  I'm mad that I am 41-years-old and still wear rose-colored glasses.

There is a saying, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." I need to live that saying.  I always believe in the good in people.  I will see the shiniest best part of people.  I see their deep-down goodness.  I still believe it is there but I don't want to pretend that people will allow it to the surface anymore.  

I have often told my husband that you can't give people what they won't receive, whether that be love, respect, money, or whatever.  You can try really hard to be a good friend to someone but if they don't want your friendship then you can't be their friend.  As someone who refuses to speak to people, I know what I'm talking about.  I know there have been people who wanted to be my friend but I simply refused.  Basically, I need to listen to my own advice.  Just because I know someone is good deep in their heart doesn't mean they will dig deep and try to understand me or defend me.

I think that has been the hardest lesson.  Some people just suck.  It doesn't matter what their politics are, their skin color, or even their lived experience.  Some people just suck.  They can look you in your eyes and tell you that you matter and then do everything in their power to hurt you.  The worse part has been pointing it out and being told I'm crazy.  

I have had "friends" post horrible things about immigrants and how they should all be sent back.  When I point out that my parents are immigrants, well my parents are good immigrants.  They didn't mean my parents.  When there was talk about trying to send back all anchor babies or any children born to immigrants who were not citizens when the child was born, I pointed out that would apply to me.  My parents were here legally but were not citizens when I was born.  Oddly enough there were members of my own family who were in favor of this.  Their argument was that it would only affect children of illegal immigrants so we were safe.  If one isn't safe then none of us are safe!

Anyways, I'm rambling at this point.  I haven't lost all faith.  I still wear rose-colored glasses because I'm not me without them.  I have to believe in people.  It will probably be the death of me.  I'm going to trust the wrong person at some point.  I have told more than one person that I would have been Jeffery Dahmers' bestie asking him all about his boyfriends that never seem to last too long and would have been actually shocked when he was arrested. I'm just that person: too trusting and at this point just a little bit heartbroken.

Hey lady, check your privilege!

Post about Black Lives Matter written over on my other blog.

So I wrote a post over on Wheatless Mama about doing the work of becoming "woke" so this post is a little bit different. You know I don't post here too often. Actually, the things that really get under my skin tend to end up on Twitter as rants but anyways. Checking your privilege is like not easy. While I do know that I have many privileges in my life, it wasn't until I took the Buzzfeed Privilege Quiz that I even thought about some of my privileges so here goes.

 My privileges: 

 1 - I am cis-gendered. I was born and looked like a girl. I feel like a girl. I present as a "traditional" female. I have gone through my tom-boy phases but by and large, my tits and ass put me strongly in the female category. 

 2 - I am heterosexual. I am a female who is sexually attracted to men. No parts of me are into having a sexual or romantic relationship with a female. 

 3 - I have children. I procreated and therefore I am not harassed about my decisions in relation to my "womanhood" or fertility. It took me a long time to finally get pregnant with DD1; I was 30 when I had her. Then a miscarriage about 2 years later left me seemingly unable to have more children. I was constantly tortured about when would I have another baby while longing in my heart for another child and mourning in secret the I had lost. Then by some miracle, DD2 came along 7 years after DD1. I am so privileged. While people ask about me having a son, for the most part, they leave my uterus status alone now. 

4 - I am educated, like very highly educated.  As I have stated before, I hold several degrees: BA - History, MLIS - Library and Information Studies, MEd - Curriculum and Instruction, EdD - Educational Leadership.  So many doors are open for me because of my degrees.  My degrees mean that during all of this Covid stuff, I haven't missed a paycheck.

5 - I am fluent in English with only a Texas accent. My parents came to this country during a time when learning English and using it without an accent was paramount.  Over the phone, you cannot tell I'm Mexican or that English is actually my second language.  

6 - I have an "American" last name.  This goes hand in hand with #5.  My last name does not give away my ethnicity.  There have been a few studies that show people with foreign-sounding names get different opportunities from those with "American" or "White" names.  I actually use both of my last names professions because I do not appreciate people's reactions to a Brown face showing up when they were expecting a "Doctor."

7 - I have a job with a salary.  Like many people in higher education, I have a salary.  Now, most weeks, I work well over 40 hours but even if I don't hit 40, my paycheck is still the same.

8 - My parents are both alive, relatively healthy, and live with me.  I have 24/7 childcare.  My girls love my parents and they love having the girls all the time.  In fact, this partly the reason I commute almost 2 hours each way to work.  My parents don't want to move and my girls refuse to live without their grandparents.

9 - My look is a bit more racially ambiguous.  I feel that I look very Mexican, especially in the summer when I am quite brown but I have more than once been told I was lying about being Mexican.  I don't look Mexican, they say.  I think they think this is a compliment.  So it takes people a while to decipher my background which means I am usually treated as a tan White lady or pretty Indian lady.

10 - I have a working car.  I have had ex-friends leave the country for political reasons.  While I understand their reasons, it is 100% privilege.  A privilege that I to can indulge in.  More than once I have toyed with the idea of moving back to Mexico or going north to Canada.  This is something I can do because I can just hop in my car and go.  I am not dependent on public transportation.  I can get a wild hair and just go.  

11 - I do not have any visible or invisible disabilities and am quite healthy.  If you look at me I'm just normal.  I stand straight.  I walk on two feet.  I do not have any major health issues.  

These are just 11 off the top of my head, with the help of Buzzfeed.  Now I'm a 41-year-old Mexican woman married to a Black man raising biracial children in deep East Texas so I have a lot of issues that I deal with on a daily basis but y'all I'm so lucky.  Yes, I have a ton of student loan debt.  Yes, I am underpaid by comparison to most people with my level of education and experience but am fully employed at a job I love.  I live such a privileged life in comparison to so many people.  If I can make a list of my privileges and know I still have even more that I could list then you can too.  Privilege is real.  Many of the things I listed I didn't do anything to get.  Some of them are the result of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. I survive and I fight.  I advocate and I try to be an ally.  I'm so far from the perfect BLM advocate or LGBTQIA ally but I am willing to say I have benefitted from being "normal" and I'm going to use that privilege for good.

Why do you always talk about race?

So I follow a great writer who goes by Ally Henny.  If you follow "The W American" facebook page, I often repost her daily insights.  She has a great way of condensing down the massive topic that is race relations in America to a quick but powerful read.  If you don't follow her work and you believe in progress then go find her.

In recent months, my DH has also started a new project: Tattooed With Children.  He, Flava Ray, and his blood brother, The Dred Pirate Benjamin, have been friends for about 9 years and are just able to have conversations that most interracial friendships can't withstand.  They are a great listen but I often find myself arguing with them.  While my husband is willing to talk about race relations, he always seems to pull back on the topic.  That being said, in their last episode: Patterns, DPB mentioned that people had mentioned to him that they FR and DPB spend way too much time identifying people as Black or White.  I saw red and flushed with anger.

Poor Flava Ray has been hearing my thoughts on this one little phrase for hours.  Now, I understand that FR isn't pulling back on race talk.  However, I needed to talk it out and since he is who I have easy access to well he gets the ear full.

My first inquiry/assumption was Who is saying you spend too much time on identifying people?  Are they White?  I ask this for a couple of reasons, Wight (as Ally Henry spells it) people are quick to shut down conversations about race.  If we don't talk about it then it is obviously not a problem.  You can't help to talk about problems ergo if we can avoid the topic of race then race isn't an issue.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  Just because it isn't a "problem" for you doesn't mean that it is not a problem or issue that others face.

Flava informed me that the majority of listeners are European.  Dude I went off.  Fucking We Don't have Racism here that is an American problem Europeans!   Once upon a time, a former friend told me all about her English cousins' favorite pastime, Paki Bashing.  In this game, you drive around with a bat and beat the shit out of any Pakistani person you come across.  Maybe 15 years ago, France was closing the immigration route for people from Angola because they were taking French jobs.  Do we need to talk about the Germans?  The final solution?  But of course, Europeans aren't racists.

My second inquiry/assumption: Why are you trying to change anything about your podcast unless you think it needs to change?  Now Flava did set me straight.  They were having a conversation not making changes and conversations are just that.

I saw red for many reasons but the top one is that I'm tired of the conversations being shut down.  I understand that one of the privileges of being Wight is not having to think about race much.  In the United States of America, the standard is White.  Flesh-colored anything means peachy/beige.  Unless you put "Black" or "Ethnic" Google search results for haircuts, skin rashes, and so many other things pull up images of White people.  There isn't any extra effort involved.  White just is.

I am a Mexican woman, married to a Black man, and raising 2 beautiful Blaxican daughters.  When my oldest breaks out in a new skin rash and I want to try to confirm what that rash might be, I have to work to find an image of a rash on darker-toned skin.  I know when buying nude colored pantyhose that the bitches are going to give me beige legs rather than highlight my beautiful brown legs.  I know that unless I tell people my husband is black or they see him with me, people will assume they can talk shit about Black people.

Unless a person of color opens a door to discussion, the standard of White is the standard.  Why make band-aids in darker colors, they will protect the same, right?  We need Hello Kitty and Disney du-jour but a professional person of color needing to cover a wound can just use a highly visible "flesh-colored" bandage.  Maybe I don't want to explain that I got my flu shot or cut myself shaving but shit I have an exclamation mark on me so of course people are going to ask.

Look, dear Wight people, race is not a dead issue.  If the conversation makes you uncomfortable, then ask yourself why you are uncomfortable?  Dig deep.  Dude, I still struggle.  I'm still evolving in my own thought and feelings on the topic.  I catch myself making assumptions and have to stop and go, is that true? is that prejudice?  Did that thought just jump out of my thoughts?  I thought I was better than that.  Guess what I'm not.  I progressing but am far from perfect.  As Ally says, "progress not perfection" is what we are striving for.  Let's talk.  Let's roll in the shit storm and then hug it out.

Brown professionals working in a White standard

"She has to work twice as hard as others to meet the standards of the dominant culture which, have, in part, become her standards." - Gloria Anzaldua  Borderlands pg. 71

I started this post a few weeks back and just had not come back until today.  Why today?  Today, we got official word that SACSCOC is pulling Bennett College's accreditation and essential putting the dead nail in her coffin.  Who is Bennett College?  They are one of the few single-sex colleges created to educate Black women. 

So who cares?  Well I do.  I attended Hollins University an all-women's university.  My husband attended Howard University, the HBCU.  I work at Wiley College, which is a HBCU.  Between undergrad and grad school, I have spent 12 years in institutions of higher education as a student and I had 1 Hispanic professor.  ONE! 

Again, so?  Well a recent survey of recent college graduate conducted by STRADA tells us that college students want mentoring by their professors.  Those who were mentored where more likely to finish/graduate and go on to graduate school/work.  Students thrive on relationships with faculty and guess who the faculty are?  The majority are White, middle to upper class men.  While I did have a White Middle-Class Male professor to mentor me as an undergrad, I also attended a small private college.  I was not completing with many other people.  I was a History major at college with a strong department.  Even with that, my dreams were to be a public school teacher.  I didn't really think I could do more.  Just finishing my BA was going to be a huge achievement.  I couldn't dream bigger.

What if I had had that 1 Hispanic professor during my undergraduate days instead of in my 2nd year of doctoral work?   Meeting him, having him as a professor, was the 1st time I realized I wasn't so alone in my pursuit of a doctorate.  REPRESENTATION MATTERS!  Would he have changed my path?  Doubtful but maybe I wouldn't have been so afraid all of the time. I saw people of color cleaning the colleges and universities I attended, they did not teach or run them.  I saw limits not opportunities.  Having Dr. SME was the 1st time I saw a limit shattered.  He had crossed a line and survived.  I did not know we could do that.

Okay back to the title, I am a Brown profesional woman and thankful for the moment I am working at a college that is majority colored people.  But I haven't always worked in that kind of an environment and even now I worry if I am living up to the standard of professionalism before me.  Are those standards self-imposed or are they in reaction to the standard of "White" colleges and we just trying to keep up?   We are told to dress the part so that our students know how to dress when they are out there.  We know that out there means the Standard White American World.  I don't just wake up and dress in my starched white collared button up and black slacks and head in.  No, I need to do my hair and now I have an added make-up routine.  With this comes the question of what is professional hair and make-up?

See if you grew-up watching Mexican Telenovelas, like I did, you know curly headed women are crazy.  (This is a different topic to go into so just roll with me for the moment.)  So until I started here at Wiley, I straightened my hair daily.  I had to look like the professionals I had seen on TV and even on standard American television, the standard for professional female hair is straight. 

The make-up is a horrible thing to tolerate.  I don't like wearing any.  I feel like it is a mask.  But if you read blogs and articles about professional female dress, they all say foundation, lipstick, and mascara are the minimum.  On a good day (around here that is Tuesday - Chapel Day), I wear black eye-liner and red lipstick.  I can't stand foundation and I rub my eye so much that mascara and I don't mix.  But who set this make-up standard?  I am beautiful without the crap and I am still under pressure to wear it. 

Until the majority of the professionals we see are representative of our nation's actual make-up then I argue those of us who are professionals of color are just trying to catch the bus by "looking" as white as we can.  The standard in this country is White.  My look is measured by how close to pulling off Ivanka Trump's look I can get.  If I was in Mexico, I know I would still have to live up to some standard but maybe it would feel less oppressive if the standard was a little darker like me and had natural curls and waves that they would let fly every once in a while.

This picture is from the day I interviewed with Wiley.  Note the straight hair and lipstick.  Now a days I sport crazy waves and curly on the days my hair works with me.